Fight or Flight on a Crazy Day

Monday, 18th Jul 2011

Day 21

I realised something about myself today, I only let people see one side of me. The side that is happy, motivated and full of inspiration. The side of me that is positive and always trying to find a lessons to be learned in every challenge so I can grow stronger and more confident.  The side that doesn't ever give up, that sees the brighter side of things no matter how difficult life is and what obstacles are put in my way.

The truth is, as much as I try to hide it, sometimes I feel discouraged. I can feel like the universe is conspiring against me to stop me from achieving my goal. It sounds ludicrous, I know, but it's how I feel sometimes. I want to stomp my feet in a tantrum and just cry but worse still, give up. I just wish that my life wasn't so difficult, that I can stop feeling so hard done by. Why did god feel the need to punish me with this ugly, fat body!  I want to just forget about the goals I am aiming for.  Sometimes I feel like I can go to the pantry, get a big piece of cake, block of chocolate, packet of chicken chips, cheese and bacon rolls and even the nutella, straight out of the jar and binge like crazy, like I've never binged before. And in the past I have done this, I then end up having the worst guilt trip ever imagined which in turn makes me run to the bathroom and chuck.

I have to just accept a life of being overweight, unfit and miserable.  I am a fat person in a fat body and nothing is ever going to change.  Because sometimes, I just don't feel strong enough. Everyone has their issues but I seem like the one that has to solve everyone else's dramas, I just want to give up.

Then I start to question everything about what I am doing to get healthy and lose weight. Why do I feel like this?  What am I doing so wrong that makes me feel like this?  Why can't I get back on track?

I don't even think that I want to quit, I just do.  Every time I cheat and put something in my mouth that is not on the program I have.  Why do I jeopardise my success so much?  It's like I know that I can't achieve my goal so why even try.

Even though I do believe all those things, sometimes I think I try to talk myself out of it because it is too painful. I think I try too hard sometimes to be the whole cheer squad for myself when the truth is, we all sometimes just need to feel like crap and get it out of our systems.

I am not going to try to talk myself out of it this time.  Because feeling frustrated and angry and upset are part of my life experience. I am not always going to give the whole me but I feel that if I am ever going to feel accepted it has to be with the open and honest me.  I do know that it will pass, but today, I just feel like crap and I feel like giving up.